Tears Won't Dry on their own
by L0V3 4 wRiting xo
Summary: Lily never thought that the pain she was feeling could turn into this. Everytime she eats she's forced to throw back up just to make herself feel beautiful. No one knows about her secret. Then, 1 day someone finds out. Will he be able to help her? LACKSON
1. I never wanted it to come to this

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana**

I swear, I never wanted it to come to this. All I wanted was to lose a little weight, that's it. Now, it's become an obsession, a ritual. Eat... throw up... eat... throw up. The pain, the torture I put my self through when I stick my finger down my throat, doesn't matter. The more pounds I drop, the more I want throw up. I want to be beautiful, I need to be beautiful. I'm dying to be thin.

"Lily!" I heard my mom yell for me.

"Just a minute!" I yelled as I pulled my head up from the toilet. I quickly flushed and stood up. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. By eye were blood shot my throat ached. But I didn't care. I reached down for my dad's old sweat shirt that was lying on the ground. As I slipped it over my pallid body I could feel my fingers brush against my ribs. It felt nice. Turning off the water that I had turned on to cover the sounds of me gagging, I walked out into my bedroom.

"Lily, Miley has been waiting outside for fifteen minutes now!" My mom yelled once again. I rolled my eyes as I grabbed my backpack and a hat off the foot of my bed. I hurried downstairs to see my mom waiting for me at the foot of the steps.

"Hun, you cannot just leave Miley sitting out side for this long," She said as she followed me into the kitchen.

"I know ma," I said heading towards the door. I heard my mom sigh as she walked back into the kitchen.

"I'm concerned okay hu-" I cut off her sentence with the front door closing. She was clueless about what I was going through. As I walked to the car I popped a few tic-tacs in my mouth to hide the oder that was lingering behind my lips.

"We are going to be so late because of you!" I heard Miley scream as she stuck her head out of her car door.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I said, frustrated that everyone seemed to hate me today. I threw my backpack into the back seat of her car and then got into the passenger's seat. Miley didn't say anything for the first few minutes of the ride to school. Then she broke the silence, with, once again another insult towards me.

"Why are you wearing a sweatshirt it's like ninety degrees out," She said as she glanced over at me when we reached a stop sign.

"So I'm wearing a sweat shirt, what's the big deal?" I said raising my eyebrows at her.

"You're not pregnant are you?" Miley hissed at me.

"No, God, why would you even think that?" I snapped. God, am I really that fat that she thinks I could be pregnant?

"I don't know, you've been in a pissed off mood for the past few weeks, you've refused to go to the beach with me, you're wearing baggy clothes, what am I supposed to think?" Miley said as she quickly glanced away from the road to look at me.

"I'm fine," I said as I pulled my eyes away from hers.

"Okay, Lils, I'm just worried about you is all," Miley said sympathetically.

"God, Why does everyone has to be so fucking worried about me? I'm a big girl okay, I can take care of myself!" I yelled at her. I couldn't take anymore worried looks towards me anymore. I just needed for the everyone to stop. This was hard enough on me already.

The car was silent the rest of the way to school. Miley had obviously understood that my outburst was her cue to stop talking. When we pulled into the school parking lot I quickly grabbed my back pack and then rushed into school. I knew that Miley was looking at me, probably thinking what a fat bitch I was. And the truth was, I couldn't blame her.

All this started two years ago when Miley and I were at the mall shopping for a bathing suite, we had gone into a store where I had found a perfect bikini that I wanted to buy, but I couldn't find my size. So I asked one of the people that worked there if they had my size. She asked me what size I needed and I replied, an eight. Then she shook her head and said "_Sorry, we only carry up to size sixes in this store hun," _At first what she said didn't really effect me. Then, Miley came out and ended up purchasing a size 0. When we walked out of that store I started feeling like everyone in the entire mall was looking at me, and how fat and ugly I was. That night was the first time I ever tried it, sticking my finger down my throat and forcing up my food at that point, was, in my mind disgusting and I never wanted to do it again. So, my life went on and I kept on gaining weight. For a while I tried diet pills, but that didn't work. I was still, in my eyes fat. Whenever I tried to talk to Miley about it all she would do is roll her eyes and tell me I wasn't fat. I would always reply with, "_then why don't I fit into any of you're clothes anymore?" _to which she would reply _"Just because my clothes don't fit you doesn't mean you're fat,"_ Then one day I went shopping and tried on a pair of my normal size for jeans and they wouldn't fit up past my thighs. At that store I realized the only size jean that fit me, was a 12. That was the size considered to be plus model, hell, that might even be too fat for a plus size model. That night depression over came me and, after eating four slices of pizza for dinner, I went up to my room and stuck my finger down my throat. Forcing all the food up. And unlike the last time tried it, this time, it felt good. Ever since then it's been the same routine, eat...throw up... eat... throw up. To me, it's the never ending cycle of pain and torture. I had become so obsessed with weight that nothing in my life mattered any more, not my friends, not my family, all that mattered was that size 0. I rather die than be fat. I'm dying just to be thin.

After my fourth period class let out I knew that it was time for my least favorite part of the day. Lunch. Walking into the cafeteria I saw Oliver and Miley sitting at a table. They looked surprised when they saw me and then immediately stopped their conversation. They must have been talking about how fat and ugly I had looked today.

"Talking about me huh?" I said as I sat down after getting my food.

"No..." Miley said softly. I could tell she was still upset about this morning.

"Right..." I said sarcastically as I took a small bite of my salad. Silence fell over us as I quickly swallowed the massive amount of food that was sitting on my plate in front of me. A few minutes after the silence had started, it ended when Oliver tried to sneak a french fry off of Miley's plate. Miley looked over at him a lightly smacked his hand.

"Fatty," she said under her breath as she looked over at Oliver who was stuffing the french fry into his mouth.

"You think Oliver's fat?" I said surprised as I glanced up from the empty plate that was sitting in front of me. If she thinks Oliver's fat than I must be a fucking sumo wrestler to her.

"No, Lily I was just kid-" Miley didn't get to finish her sentence. I needed to get rid of the food that I had just put into my body. I noticed Miley and Oliver's concern stares back and forth from one another. But I didn't give a damn. Every second this food rested in my stomach I got fatter. Gripping onto the straps of my back pack I walked into the bathroom. As I pushed the door open I noticed Ms. Peterson, my english teacher. Standing in front of the mirror. God, what was I thinking, I couldn't do this hear. What if someone heard me? They wouldn't understand. I needed to get out of this place. I needed to go home. As fast as my fat legs could take me, I ran, the more time the food sat in side me the fatter I became. When I finally reached my house I noticed a car in the drive way. Dammit. My mom was home. I couldn't explain to her why I had come home from school this early. I wrestled with the thought of attempting to sneak in but then, something caught my eye. The Stewarts house across the street, I noticed their drive way was empty. Jackson wasn't home from college and Mr. Stewart was out somewhere. Perfect. I ran across the street until I reached the back door which they always let unlocked. Walking inside I threw my backpack down on the ground and ran for the nearest bathroom on the first floor. I quickly turned on the water and then walked over to the toilet, kneeling in front of it. I pulled my hair back into a messy bun and then stuck my middle finger down my throat, as far down as it could possibly go. I felt the food coming up and out. As the last of the food came up I was about to do the same thing again when I heard the door open. Pulling my finger out of my mouth I stood up quickly, not knowing what or who it was.

"Jackson," I said looking at the shocked Jackson that was standing in front of me.

**A/N: Okay new story idea I had. This will turn into a Lackson. I'm pretty much done with the next chapter I only have a few things to change. I may continue based on what people think! So please review!**


	2. Dying to be beautiful

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana**

I saw Jackson look from me, to the running water in the sink, then back to me.

"Wha..." He couldn't even put together a decent sentence. Shit. What have I gotten myself into? He will never understand why I do this. He'll probably tell everyone about it and then I'll get sent to some rehab center for anorexic freaks. I know I'm not a freak and I don't have a problem. I just need to lose weight, that's it. I swear.

"Jackson, listen, this isn't what it looks like," I said taking a few steps towards him. He still stayed silent as he looked at me. He was probably thinking how fat I was and how I could possibly be bulimic when I was this fat.

"What the hell are you thinking?" he finally choked out. I knew he wouldn't get it. No one will ever understand the way I have been feeling the past two years of my life.

"I just need to lose a little weight, that's it," I said seriously.

"Lily, this is not a way to lose weight," Jackson said motioning towards the running water. Great, so he thinks I need to lose weight.

"Jackson, I'm not some anorexic frea-" I started but he cut me off.

"Does anyone know?" Jackson said, with a still horrified look across his face. I shook my head.

"And they won't know," I added sternly. God, If my parents ever found out about me it would be straight to some freaky old counselor who will tell me that I'm beautiful the way I am and I don't need to be skinny to be beautiful. But everything she will ever say to me would be all lies. There are plenty of ways to diet and this is just my way of dieting, that's it. I don't have a problem, I don't need a shrink I'm fine.

"You have a problem, a serious problem Lily," Jackson said. I rolled my eyes.

"No I don't" I said shaking my head sternly as I looked straight into his eyes.

"You have an eating disorder! People have died from these kinds of things!" he said almost yelling. Now he had gotten me pissed off.

"It's not a disorder, I'm dieting that's it!" I said as I pointed my finger towards him.

"Making yourself throw up everything you've eaten isn't a diet!" He said louder than the last time.

"Yes it is! Listen I'm not some anorexic freak who wants to weigh like, 80 pounds!" I shouted. He was really starting to piss me off. I'm on a diet. A normal diet. That's it.

"When did you start?" he asked me.

"That's none of your-" I was once again cut off by him.

"When did you start Lily?!" He said loudly, talking over me.

"It's was about a year ago, okay, can I just get out of here?" I said rolling my eyes as I started walking towards the doorway in the bathroom. But Jackson got to it before I did and stood there, blocking it.

"Why?" Jackson said as he spread his hands across the wall to stop me from leaving the bathroom.

"Jackson this is ridiculous let me out," I said as I looked up at him.

"Why did you start making yourself throw up?" he asked me.

"because I was fat," I said as i crossed my arms against my chest. As my arms touched my body I could just feel me becoming fatter from the food that still lingered in my stomach.

"That's ridiculous!" Jackson said rolling his eyes. God, Jackson was such a fucking ass hole. What the hell was this guys problem.

"I was a size twelve Jackson! That's too fat for a plus size model!" I yelled as I uncrossed my hands from my chest.

"It's not fat, it's normal," He yelled. I had, had it with this guy. He's a guy. He doesn't understand and he will never understand how much I just want to get to that size 0.

"If it's normal than why does every model in the world weigh 100 pounds?" I said.

"Because there anorexic freaks who have been pressured to starve themselves because the stupid designers some how didn't buy enough fabric to make a dress for a real person," He yelled.

"Jackson, those models are beautiful, I want to look like them, I want to but those designer clothes and fit in them with out my rolls of fat hanging out!" I yelled.

"You're killing yourself Lily!" He screamed. I knew it was true. But why the hell would it matter if my parents walked into my room and found me passed out in the bathroom dead. I wouldn't care. I would rather kill myself trying to be thin then ever be fat.

"You think I don't realize that?!" Those words slipped off my tongue, admitting defeat to Jackson. To my Surprise Jackson stayed silent and as the tears that had been held behind my blood shot eyes for so long finally fell quicker than I could spill out my words.

"I want to be beautiful Jackson, I want to look like nicole Rich and those run way models, I want to for once go to a store and ask if they have a smaller size in the pair of jeans that I want," I paused to see if Jackson was going to say anything but he was silent.

"Jackson I need to do this, it's my life. Being thin is my life! I would rather kill myself than ever look the same way I did a year ago!" I stopped. There it was the truth. Jackson had gotten what he wanted. There's why I do this to myself. There's my confession. There it is. Whether he likes it or not.

"You need to tell-" I cut him off. After I told him all that? After everything I had told him he still wants me to tell someone? What the hell is he thinking? Didn't he hear me? I'd rather kill myself trying to be thin than to be fat. Does this guy ever listen. I guess he must have been thinking about how ugly I was and too distracted by my ugliness to listen. I couldn't stand being in this room with him anymore. The way he looked at me with pure disgust made me want to slap him. He thought I was ugly and I knew it. With all the strength I could muster out of my body I tried to push Jackson out of the way. But he didn't budge. With my head towards his chest and my eyes filled with tears I pounded both my fits against his chest. Wanting him to move. But he never did. As my weak body started to get tired the punches became lighter. Until finally, my punches had stopped and all that I was doing, was crying into his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me as all the pain and torture I had gone through for the past year, flooded out of my eyes.

**A/N: Okay, I must dedicate this chapter to Wounded Shell Of Myself because with out her review it would have been very unlikely I would have continued this story :)**

**but anyway... tell me what you thought! I would like to get at least 5 reviews for this chapter (I got 4 last one one of which I deleted)**

**So.. Review if you want me to continue!**


	3. Perfectly fine

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana**

It had been a week since my break down in Jackson's arms. I admitted to Jackson that I had problem and I even told him that I was going to get help. But I wasn't. I refuse to get help because, I know, that I don't have a problem. I'm fine, I don't have an eating disorder, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm fine. Perfectly fine.

I could feel eyes on me as I ran down the beach shore on Friday after noon. Even when I ran I would pile on layers of clothes to try to hide my figure, but by the stares I could feel on my body it obviously wasn't working. The more people I saw looking, the harder I ran and the harder I ran the more weight I loss, the more wight I loss, the happier I was. I ran until I was finally out of breath. I started to feel dizzy, as I normally do after running. I walked over to a place by the shore, away from everyone else. I sat down and pulled my knees up to my chest. I sat there as I tried to catch my breath. As my breathing started to slow down a bit I heard foot steps coming from behind me.

"Lily!" I heard Miley say as I turned around. Oh great. Here she comes, I can hear her now _"Oliver, you're so fat because you ate one of my french fries! Lily why are you wearing sweat pants why don't you take them off so you can show how fat you are to everyone and you can stand beside me to make me look skinnier," _God, I hated her and her size 0 jeans.

"What's up? why are you over hear by yourself?" Miley asked as she ran perkily ran over and sat down next to me. I gave her weak smile.

"I just came to... think," I lied.

"Oh, well, we're just heading down to Rico's you wanna come?" Miley offered. I shook my head.

"No, I'm a..." I paused as I looked behind me. Great, just what I needed, Jackson and Oliver were standing there, "I'm just gonna stay here for now,"

"Oh come on Lily, you barely talk to me any more, can't you just come down to Rico's a grab a burger with us?" she begged. God, does she seriously think I'm gonna eat a burger right now? I need to loose weight not gain it. I'm fat enough as it is. Does she even know how many calories are in a hamburger? On average, 598.

"No, I just ate and I need to head home anyways," I said as I stood up. When I got to my feet I was struck by some dizziness. After loosing my footing for a second i was able to regain my balance.

"You okay?" Miley asked as she grabbed onto my arm.

"I'm fine," I said as I pulled my arm out of her grip. And then there it was, that concerned look again. That fake ass concerned look. I knew it wasn't real, I knew she didn't care just like I knew Jackson didn't. They all thought I was fat they just didn't have the balls to say it to my face. All this _"we're so worried about you Lily," _Was total bullshit.

"Okay, well, call me later and we can... talk," Miley said as her face fell.

"Alright," I said, anxiously awaiting the moment all three of them walked away. As Miley turned to leave I started to walk the opposite direction as well, when I felt I hand touch my shoulder. Startled, I turned to see who it was.

"I thought you said you would stop," Jackson said sternly, his hand still resting on my shoulder.

"Stop what?" I asked him, my eyebrows raised.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about," Jackson said. Oh great, yet another lecture by Jackson. How many times do I have to tell this guy that I'm fine before he finally gets the message?

"No I don't," I said giving him a sarcastic smile and shrugging his hand off my shoulder.

"Bingeing, purging, starving yourself, stinking you finger down your throat to force up all the food you just ate," He said as he stared right into my eyes. Damn, this guy was serious.

"I did stop," I lied.

"Lily, I'm not stupid," Jackson said. I rolled my eyes.

"I know that people like you can't quit that easily," Jackson continued.

"People like me?" What the hell did he mean by that? Fat bitches who couldn't lose weight to save their lives going on a real diet that is actually working for a change? Is that what he meant?

"people with..." He paused and then lowered his voice, "you're condition," Oh great, now he thinks I'm mental.

"Condition?" I said as I stared him down.

"Bulimia," he said finally. Dammit, here he goes again on yet another one of his rants about how '_unhealthy' _it is for me to be doing this to myself and how I'm _'normal' _has he ever watched TV? Does he not see that every single fucking actor is like a size zero? Does he not realize that a size twelve is fat?

"Listen, I've told you before and I'll tell you again, I'm not bulimic I'm not anorexic, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm dieting, that's it," I said looking up at him.

"This isn't a fucking diet Lily, it's an eating disorder!" he said louder than he should have, which caused a few surfers that were down in the water to look up at us. I tilted my head down and nibbled on my lower lip.

"It's not a disorder," I said as I closed my eyes and tried very hard not to loose my temper.

"dammit Lily!" He said loudly as he ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. I stood there and watched him as he turned his back towards me and kicked some sand.

"Don't treat me like I'm a little girl, I'm fine," I said once he had turned back around to face me.

"You're not fine," Jackson said as he started to walk closer to me.

"Look at me Jackson, I'm not a skeleton, you can't count my ribs through my skin I'm not smoking crack and popping pills, I'm not a drunk I'm not staying out all night partying I'm just dieting," I said. God, you have no idea how hard it was for me not to slap Jackson as he stared at me with those concerned eyes as he bit down hard on his jaw to keep from blurting out something he would regret. Poor little good boy Jackson trying to save bad girl anorexic freak Lily. It's all bull shit and I wasn't gonna fall for it. It was all an act some fake ass act.

"But you're killing yourself!" Jackson said. Oh great, now I'm the suicidal freak.

"Oh my God!" I said throwing my hands up in the air.

"I'm not some desperate little girl who needs a boy to come and save her, so if you want to help me, then please leave me the hell alone!" I said as I turned away from him and walked off. I could hear Jackson walk off as well. Finally, he had gotten the message. As I started to get another spell of dizziness I slowed down a bit and as I normally did when this happened, waited for it to pass. Bt, this time, it didn't instead it got worse. Unable to keep my balance anymore I fell to my knees. I put my head in my hand and closed my eyes as I tried to make the spinning in my head stop. I felt my self fall backwards my head hitting the sand. I tried to move but it was as if I was paralyzed. That was the last thing I remember before I was waking p in a hospital bed.

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews it was kind of a crappy ending but it's hard to try to describe yourself passing out! lol. Anyways, sorry it took awhile to update, I was kinda stuck for this chapter. But, anyways, review! I reached my goal of 5 reviews for last chapter! Maybe 10 this time? lol. wishful thinking... But, anyways, tell me what you think!**


	4. Stares

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana.**

"Ms. Truscott?" I heard a woman's voice ask softly. I peeled my eye open, the room was still moving. I saw a young looking woman with blond hair pulled back neatly in a bun leaning over me.

"Sweetie, do you know where you are?" She asked. I tried to sit up but was stopped by some guy who was on the other side of me and the blonde nurse leaning over me.

"Careful hun, you're still a bit woozy," She said as she pulled her hand away from my arm. The smell of rubber stained the air. God, where the hell was I. I turned my head to see a needle in my left arm and a male nurse looking at some machine beside me and taking notes on a clipboard. I closed my eyes as the room began to spin again.

"No..." I said quietly.

"You're at Northridge hospital, you were found passed out on the beach," the woman said kindly.

"I... what?" I said opening my eyes.

"You were found on the beach... now can you tell me what day it is?" She asked as took a few steps away from the bed and grabbing a clipboard.

"Who found me?" I asked ignoring her question.

"I'm not sure, you're parents are trying to be contacted though," She said not glancing up from her clipboard.

"Oh," I said quietly as I glanced around the plain room.

"Now hun, do you now what day it is?" she asked flipping through some papers.

"Uhm... Saturday..." I said as I put my hand to my aching head.

"Good, do yo know what month it is?" She asked walking back over to me.

"March," I said looking over at her.

"Great and can you tell me what hospital you're at?" She asked taking a seat in the desk chair that was next to the bed.

"Northridge," I replied.

"Excellent, looks like no mental damage was done," She said smiling at me. I grinned at her even though I thought she was over reacting about this whole thing, I have passed out before and I have never ended up in the hospital because of it. I probably just got over heated from running in a sweat shirt was all, no big deal.

"Oh and by the way, my names Lacey and I will be the nurse in charge of you for now," she said smiling.

"Now we're gonna try and get you sitting up, okay?" Lacey said as she laid the clipboard down in the chair as she stood up.

"Kay," I said as I felt the grip of the male nurse's hand that was standing beside me on my left arm and Lacey's grip on my right as they helped me prop myself up in bed. I got a quick spell of dizziness but the feeling soon passed.

"How you feeling?" Lacey asked.

"Fine," I said as I shrugged my shoulders.

"Fine enough to try standing?" She asked looking far too excited then I thought she should.

"Sure," I said as I gave her a fake grin. Both the nurses gripped onto my and helped me roll out of bed until I was finally standing my own two feet. Wow, what an exciting job these nurses must have, helping poor sixteen year olds stand up all day.

"Alright hun, although everything appears to be okay Dr. Adler still wants us to run a MRI on ya," She said as she grabbed my IV fluids and started walking me out of the room.

"Alright," I said as I gripped onto the male nurses arm as we walked through the crowded hallways of the hospital.

When we finally arrived at the place I assumed I was taking the MRI Lacey pulled out a badge and scanned it allowing the doors to open. The helped me walk in and soon after our entrance the door closed.

"Alright hun, what I'm gonna need you to do is hop onto this scale right here so we can see you're weight," I blinked over at Lacey who had just muttered the word '_scale' _off of her lips. Hell no, there was no fucking way I was going to stand on a scale in front of Lacey. She probably weighed like a hundred pounds. I could just see the smirk on her face when I got on that scale and the number on the screen read my weight. I stood there frozen in my tracks, there was no way I was moving on to that scale.

"Ms. Truscott?" the male nurse said as he attempted to lead me to the scale.

"No!" I said as I thrashed my arm out of his grip. I saw Lacey and the guy exchange confused and worried glances. Well here's something to spice up their work life a fat girl trying to escape the evil wrath of the scale.

"Ms. Truscott, honey, you need to get on the scale..." she said as she placed an arm on my shoulder.

"No! Get off me!" I said pushing her hand away. I felt the man touch my arm again, this time his touch harder and more aggressive as he pushed me towards the scale. I tried to plant my feet to the ground but the two nurses strength and although still thrashing and screaming, they had some how managed to get me onto the scale. Lacey pressed a few buttons until I heard the scale start beeping. Probably didn't weigh high enough to measure my weight. The beeping slowed down until silence filled the air. I didn't dare look up at the number. It wold kill me to see it. Lacey's face dropped as did the male nurse.

"I'll get the doctor," Lacey said as she stepped away from the scale. I kept my eyes glued to the ground, too afraid at what I may see if I dared look up.

In a matter of seconds after Lacey had left the room she reappeared this time with an older looking man in a white coat by her side. She whispered something I couldn't hear and then pointed towards the scale with her pen. The doctor nodded and walked over to me.

"Hello Ms. Truscott, I'm Dr. Adler and I just wanted to take a quick look at you to see how your health is," He said walking over to me. He didn't need to tell me, I already knew what he would say, _"fat, overweight, obese, pudgy, blimp, whale, bulging..." _My thoughts were interrupted as I heard the Doctor mumble a number out of his mouth.

"ninety eight," he said glancing at the scale. Dammit. Had I really gained that much weight since the last time I weighed myself. Shit. It's all because of Jackson, if he hadn't had walked in on me and given me that goddamn lecture then I would have been able to get that damn food out of my stomach before it got a chance to make me fatter. That fucking ass hole, God, I hated him.

"Take her back to her room please," The doctor said as he jotted something down on a few papers he was holding. The male nurse and Lacey nodded as they dragged me out of the room like the whale I was.

As we walked back to the room I could feel every eye on me. Every stare scanning my body. My pale legs which hadn't seen sunlight in nine months were now exposed. My arms which I always tried to hide with over sized sweat shirts were on display for every fucking eye to see. It was as if there was a fucking neon sign above my head saying "_LOOKEY HERE! IT'S LILY TRUSCOTT SEE HOW FAT AND UGLY SHE IS!" _I could just hear the whispers and laughs as they looked at me waddle down the halls. I could feel the disgusted looks of nurses as they started at the fat that was hanging out of my hospital down. I was disgusting and all I wanted to do at that moment, was die.

**A/N: Okay I know, no Lackson at all but I needed to have this chapter in here kind of as a "starter" for next chapter. I don't know if they weigh you before going into an MRI but I decided to put that in to kind show everyone how bad she really was. And I realize that not everyone that is ninety two pounds has an eating disorder but for Lily, it's bad. And also Dr. Adler and Northridge are both real and in Malibu :P**

**Updates for all my stories may be a little slow this week, I a counselor for a day camp that's starting tomorrow and then after that I'm working night shifts at work so it may get a little hectic but I will try to update soon I swear.**

**I know this was a kind of crappy chapter && ending but please review and tell me what you think!**


	5. This is who I am now

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana**

I glanced around the room. It was really plain, no windows, no pictures on the wall no nothing. There was a desk, a chair in front of the desk, a couch and a book case full of books on mental cases and shit like that. I can't believe I was hear. I shouldn't be here. This place is for mental teenagers that jump off buildings to try and kill themselves. This is the place where kids go when they are just about to lose their sanity. I don't know why I'm hear. I shouldn't be hear. This was all one huge mistake.

"Ms. Truscott?" I heard someone say. I turned around in my seat to see a medium height older woman walking into the room. She had glasses perched on top of her head. She wore a plain blue suit with the kind of shoes my grandma wore. She was very plain, just like this room.

"Hi, it's nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Veronica Watson and I've been asked to give you an evaluation," She said as she walked over behind her desk and took a seat. I didn't make eye contact with her. _"evaluation" _What's that? Why doesn't she just come right out and say it, she thinks I'm mental.

"So do you have any idea why your doctors want me to perform this evaluation?" She asked as she looked at me.

"Because they think I'm a freak?" I said through my teeth.

"Um, no not quite," She said as she pulled her glasses down to her eyes.

"Then why?" I asked her, anticipating her answer.

"Well, it appears that you were greatly stressed at the thought of getting onto a scale and you're weight is only ninety eight pounds?" She said peering over the rim of her glasses as she read through my file.

"My weight embarrasses me is all," I lied.

"Why?" she asked pulling her glasses off.

"I've always been skinny and it kills me to think that people believe I'm anorexic," I once heard someone say that at school, thought it would be a good idea to use it now.

"And, that's it?" She asked.

"Yup, that's it," I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Now that you've explained it to me, it makes perfect sense so why don't you explain how you passed out in the first place?" She said as she crossed her legs.

"I think I was dehydrated, I had been running and I went to sit down and I just got dizzy and passed out I guess," I said simply. It was believable.

"Now, Lily have you ever had thoughts of suicide?" She asked me.

"nope," I lied.

"ever used drugs?" she asked.

"nope," I said, this time being truthful.

"abused dieting pills?" she asked.

"nope," I lied once again.

"Abused laxatives?" she asked.

"never" I replied shaking my head.

"Do you have friends?" she asked me. God, how many more questions does she need to ask me, is it really that hard to see I'm fine?

"the best," I said smiling as I lied through my teeth.

"what are their names?" she asked me.

"Well my two best friends are Miley and Oliver," I said. _Until Miley decided everyone who wasn't a size 0 was fat and thought that I looked pregnant! _I added silently in my mind.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" She asked me.

"Not at the moment," I said trying to act as normal as I could as she asked me all these dumb ass questions.

"Well, since you have exhibited no signs of any mental problems, I'm not quite sure what to tell the doctors. I grinned and nodded.

"Since you're weight is still unhealthy we will be putting you on a special diet so you can gain some more weight and we will ask that you and your parents submit one of these charts to us every week..." She handed me a piece of paper that had my name and a bunch on numbers at the top. Followed by, _hours of exercise, amount of calories, any medicines taken if any _and then finally at the bottom, _weight._

"Great," I said giving her a huge, fake smile.

"It was nice meeting you honey," the woman said as she extended her french manicured hand for me to shake. I did and smiled as I walked out of the room. I didn't need all this bull shit I was fine no matter what anyone told me I was fine.

I walked out into the lobby and saw Lacey waiting there for me, not moving from the spot she sat at when she dropped me off. She really wasn't lying when she said she would be in charge of me. Since the shrinks office was in the hospital building Lacey was assigned to walk me there, you know incase I decided to go physco and jump off a roof or something like I'm sure plenty of Dr. Watson's patients often did because their mental. I didn't belong in this place all of this eating disorder crap what shit. None of it was true. I'm dieting. It's a simple diet. Why is that so hard for people to under stand?

"How'd it go?" Lacey asked as she stood up and walked over to me.

"Fine," I said as I shrugged my shoulders.

"Good," Lacey said smiling. I swear this girl had either had a hell of a lot of coffee or she was on some kind of drug.

"Alright ready to go back to your room?" she asked me as she placed a hand on my back.

"yup," I said giving her a fake grin. Lacey nodded and began walking me back to my room. As we walked through the hallways I tried to keep my head down, ignoring all the sneers I felt down my neck.

Once we arrived at the room I immediately ran over to my bed and covered my body with layers of blankets in an attempt to hide my figure. I felt disgusting. I hadn't thrown up in two days, that for me, was amazing. But, then again, I couldn't Lacey had me under twenty four hour watch. I was being released to day, or so they told me. I guess their observation of bulimic fat girl Lily Truscott was finally over. Lacey had told me my parents were taking me home later this after noon. I hadn't seen them since this whole thing happened the other day. One of the nurses said they dropped by when I was asleep but I really don't know if I should believe her. She probably just felt sorry for who she assumed was another mental patient so she lied. Dumb ass bitch.

I passed the time laying in the hospital bed waiting to go home thinking about how exactly my parents were going to react to this. I mean, they are psychiatrists, they deal with this shit on a daily basis but, I'm their daughter, and I know if I tell them that I'm fine they'll believe me because they think good girl Lily would never do anything like this. The weight, how ever was another story. I knew they would disapprove. I knew they wouldn't understand. But it's my life, not theirs.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard someone at the door. I was hoping it was my parents so I could get the hell out of here but, to my disappointment, it wasn't. It was anyone but. There standing in the door way was Jackson. He was giving me a look of pure disgust. Man, I must have seriously gained weight from this hospital food if it's making him give me this kind of look.

"Oh Great!" I said rolling my eyes and leaning back in bed.

"I told you," he said as a sadness crossed his face.

"Told me what?" I said laughing trying to cover my anger.

"How many time are you gonna end up in the hospital before you realize you need help?" he said quietly, taking a few steps into the room.

"People who need help have a problem, I don't have a problem, therefore, I don't need help," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"You're gonna kill yourself," Jackson said sternly. All I wanted to do was tell him to fuck off. But I kept my lips sealed and let him rant.

"I am not, will you stop saying that?" I said, tossing my hands in the air.

"I don't want to be walking down the beach and find you dead!" He yelled causing a nurse that was standing in the hallway to glance over at us.

"Why do give a damn about what happens to me, you never did before," I said.

"You're like... a little sister to me, I care about you Lily," he said walking towards me.

"Alright, you can cut the big brother looking over me shit I can see right through it," I told him.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself," he said, looking hurt from my previous comment.

"Doing what?" I said, playing dumb.

"KILLING YOURSELF!" he yelled. A nurse quickly came in and hushed us before he continued.

"dammit Jackson, I'm just trying to lose weight, when will you get that threw you fucking head?"

"Lily, you'll die before you're skinny enough,"

I should be yelling at him, screaming. Telling him to fuck off and to go to hell. Screaming for the millionth time that I don't have a problem and that's he overeating to everything, but I didn't. Silence fell over us as he just started at me and I stared back at him.

I knew that he wasn't looking at Lily Truscott, he was looking at my faded hair, my blood shot eyes. My yellow teeth, my pallid face. My baggy eyes, my weak smile. He was staring at someone I didn't know.

**A/N: Wow, I was shocked by the amount of reviews I got last chapter to I decided to update quickly.**

**Okay, I know, bad chapter. Kinda a "filler" chapter if you will.**

**But here's a quick poll:**

**Should Jackson tell someone about Lily?**

**If so who?**

**Miley, Lily's parents, Oliver, or his dad? Or someone else?**

**tell me please! and review!**


	6. My Reflection

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana**

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Why couldn't I just be perfect? Why couldn't God create me without any flaws? Why can't I look beautiful? I want to be everything I'm not. I want to have a flat tummy and long legs like Miley's. I want to have long flowing blond hair. I want to be the girl who made all the guys jealous. Why couldn't that just be me? Why did I have to be created in this ugly body that I'm trapped in. How did an innocent person get stuck inside of this body? What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm a worthless piece of shit that no one gives a damn about. I hate my fucking life.

I looked myself up and down as I stood in front of the mirror. God, I was hideous. Everything about me looked disgusting. I looked down to my stomach and grabbed a piece of fat that had started growing since I hadn't thrown up in two days. I'm so fucking fat. I have to do everything it takes to make myself thin... everything.

Dammit, I couldn't look at myself like this anymore. I turned away from the mirror trying to avoid my reflection. Pulling my hair up into a bun, I walked over to the sink where I turned on the water. I made my way to the toilet where I sat down and reached for the spoon that was lying on the ground next to me.

Recently I realized I needed to do everything I possibly could to hide this... diet. No one would understand what I was doing and they would send me to some fucking rehab center that's for girls who are skinny and want to be skinnier. Well, I'm fat and need to be skinny, that my friend, is called a diet. A fucking diet. Is that so hard to understand? I know that when I stuck my middle finger down my throat I would normally end up biting my own finger as a reflex, so, I heard that if you use a spoon, that wouldn't happen, so it wouldn't leave the marks therefore no one would ever suspect a thing.

I felt the cold metal hit my throat on the way down. I felt disgusting doing this and for some reason Jackson's words kept running through my head "_You'll die before you'll ever be skinny enough!" _I mean, is that true? What if all he is saying really is true, what if he really does care. God, who am I kidding, he's a fake ass son of a bitch just like the rest of them. I could feel the food coming up my throat until finally it had escaped my body. I repeated this process a few times before finally rising from my seat and washing the taste of vomit out of my mouth. Finally, everything was back to normal.

"Lily!" I heard coming from the hallway. I quickly wiped my red eyes as I walked out of my bathroom, into my room where I opened my bedroom door to see my mom standing there holding my "dieting" chart the doctors had given us.

"Ya?" I asked making sure I didn't look at her too much to make sure she wouldn't notice my blood shot eyes.

"Did you forget about the weight thing?" Mom asked showing me the card.

"Oh, ya," I said.

"Well are you coming?" Mom asked impatiently. Ever sense this whole thing happened she had been mad. I don't if she was mad at me, the doctors or herself but she was mad. But, no matter what the doctors said I knew that my mom believed me, even though everything I had ever told her was bull shit.

"I just need to finish up in here real quick," I told her.

"Fine, but hurry up I have a 2 o'clock meeting," She said as she rested a hand on her hip.

"Kay," I said as I closed my bedroom door as I rolled my eyes. I walked over to my closet and pulled the only skirt I owned off a hanger. I had read about this trick on a pro-mia blog once and I thought I might as well try it now. I knew that covering my weight loss and making it look like I had gained weight would not be easy but, I needed to do it. Being thin was my life, and there was no way I was going to let my dream go all because some fucking doctor told me I was too skinny. Once the skirt was on I pulled out the jar of pennies that I had, had in my closet since I was a little girl. I felt a little strange as I pulled my skirt away from my body and poured the pennies down my underwear, but, it needed to me done. I needed to make my mom believe I was fatter. Without gaining weight, and this was the way to do it. When I finally couldn't stuff any more coins down my skirt I started walking out of my room, well the best I could at least with a dollar worth of pennies in my panties. I carefully walked into the living room. I noticed my mom staring at me.

"Your wearing a skirt?" she said, eyebrows raised.

"I just felt like it," I said shrugging my shoulders, trying to play it off.

"Fine," mom said shrugging her shoulders.

"Okay, lets get this over with," Mom sighed as she walked over to the $300 scale she had bought that was in the dining room. I chewed nervously on my bottom lip as I walked over to the scale. Just remember that it's with the pennies, I have pennies in my skirt, that's weighing me down. My mom flicked on the scale and then told me to get on. I did as she said and got on. The numbers swirled by my eye until it finally settled on 104 pounds. Dammit.

"See, the doctors are crazy, you're fine, that's normal," mom said as she rolled her eyes and walked off. Normal? Normal?! Is she serious? 104 is not normal! It's fat! Like me and my fat ass. I was a huge, fat ugly bitch who deserved to die. I waddled back into my room. When I finally reached it I slammed the door shut and immediately removed all the coins from my underwear. I had gotten fatter. I mean seriously those few coins could not have weighed twelve pounds. I was ninety two pounds the last time I weighed myself. At the hospital I was ninety eight and now I'm 104? Oh God, I needed to run, I needed to burn calories to work up a sweat. I needed to lose this weight. I ripped off my skirt and shirt and put on a pair of baggy sweat pants and an oversized t shirt. I slipped on my sneakers and started heading for the door.

"Going on a run, be back soon!" I yelled before I exited the house. Dr. Adler had advised me not to do this anymore but I needed to. I didn't give a shit about what anyone was told me. That size 12 was creeping up on me and if I quit doing this, those plus size jeans will be hanging in my closet again before I knew it. And my God, I would die before I let that happen.

I felt every eye on me, scanning my body for ever flaw, ever roll of fat that hung over my sweats. I could hear the whispers as size 0 women stared at my double chin and fat cheeks noticing everything about me that made me ugly. I hated myself.

I ran until I could barely breath. Until I finally reached a rock where I walked over and sat down on. I tried to catch my breath. I told myself I couldn't drink water because that meant I was adding on water weight to my body and God knows I don't need more weight of any kind. I felt dizziness over come me as I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands. Jackson's words rung through my head

"_You'll die before you'll ever be skinny enough," _Dammit Jackson. Why'd you have to do this to me. Nothing is wrong with me I'm dieting. Right? My thoughts were interrupted when I heard someone behind me.

"Lily?" I turned to see who it was. Shit. I could have known. It was Jackson. This guy seems to be everywhere lately.

"Oh, it's you," I said turning back around.

"How are you feeling?" Jackson asked as he walked over to me.

"Fine, everything is fine... no in fact it's peachy," I said sarcastically.

"Do you're parents know?" He asked as he sat down on the rock next to me.

"No and I'm planning on keeping it that way until the day I die," I said standing up. I needed to get away from him. I couldn't take the concerned looks and worried eyes. It was like a mask. A mask that I just wanted to rip right off his fake ass face.

"Lily..." I heard him say. I stood still. I didn't turn to face him. But I didn't run. God, what am I doing? I should be running screaming at him to fuck off. Why am I still standing here. But for some reason, my feet wouldn't move. Something about his words spilling out of his mouth about how he cares, held me back from running away.

"What do you want me to do Jackson?!" I yelled as I turned to face him, throwing my hands up in the air. "do you want me to break down in your arms and ask you to help me?"

I could feel tears begin to fall from my eyes. This is ridiculous. I had made it through a year of doing this, why is it all of a sudden so damn hard? I closed my eyes and tried to compose myself. Before I could move I felt two arms being wrapped around me. I didn't resist as Jackson pulled me into his chest.

"Jackson... help me..." I muttered through my sobs. It was the only thing I could say. I knew it now. I was finally broken.

**A/N" I seriously do not know what's with me lately! I just cannot seem to write at all. Well, maybe next chapter will be better. I tried to prolong the scence between Lily and Jackson but I decided it sounded like the same thing yet again so I shortened it, I hope it doesn't seem to rushed. And the underwear thing is a real thing people really do.**

**I changed the rating due to language**

**I have pretty much decided how I want to end this story (no worries there are 11 chapters left) but updates should get a little quicker.**

**So I have narrowed it down to two people for Jackson to tell, Robby Ray or Oliver? vote and tell me.**

**Oh and also, the beginning mirror scene was inspired by the youtube video linked in my profile. Please check it out, it gave me chills.**

**Next chapter: Jackson tells Lily's secret (should be a lot of Lackson in this one!)**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Happiness?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana**

What does happiness feel like? Really, I would like to know. How does it feel to be able to walk down the street without feel a thousands eyes scanning your body for ever imperfection? What does it feel like to eat with out feeling guilty afterwards? How does it feel to be able to look your friends straight in the eye and tell them nothing is wrong? I guess I may never find out...

"Lily you're beautiful the way you are, you don't need the fucking scale to tell you that you're pretty," I muttered to myself attempting to resist the strong temptation to throw up after eating a hot dog from Rico's.

"Shit," I mumbled as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was half praying to look in the mirror and see someone pretty staring back at me. But obviously as I looked at my reflection staring back at me, I knew that it was yet another prayer that had gone unanswered.

"Fuck it," I said finally giving in. I walked into my bathroom and turned on the water. I grabbed the spoon I kept under my sink and walked over to the toilet. I kneeled down and carefully inserted the spoon into my mouth and down my throat. I felt the food coming up and eventually out of my mouth. I repeated the process a few times before standing up and rinsing out my mouth with water and then popping a tic-tac in my mouth. I didn't dare look at myself in the mirror again. I didn't want to see whoever the hell was staring back at me. I slowly walked back into my bed room and then flopped onto my bed.

"Why can't I just be fucking perfect, like everyone else?" I said to myself as I ran my hands over my face and let out a loud sigh.

"Lilly?" I snapped out of my fantasies when I heard someone at my door.

"Ya?" I said sitting up on my bed. I saw my mom crack the door open.

"Miley's on the phone," My mom said as she waved the phone in front of my face. Miley? Why the hell was she calling me? You think she would have realized by now that I didn't want to talk to her and her little size 0 jeans.

"Oh, okay," I said as I took the phone from her hands. I waited to answer until she had left the room.

"Ya?" I said, obviously showing a little stubbornness in my voice.

"Hey Lils, It's Miley," I heard Miley's high pitched voice through the phone.

"I know," I said.

"Oh okay well I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my house for dinner tonight," Oh great, now little miss size 0 wanted me to come to prove to her family that she was even skinnier than everyone thought she was.

"huh?" I said a little shocked at the offer.

"Well my dad suggested it actually but I thought since we really haven't been spending much time together lately that maybe we could..."

"Sure," I said, cutting her off, I couldn't stand her high pitched squeals anymore.

"Really?" she asked.

"ya sure, I mean what the hell right?" I said trying everything I could possibly think of to get her to hang up.

"Great! So I'll see you around six, kay?" she asked.

"Kay," I said.

"See you then!" Miley said before she hung up. Ah shit, what the fuck did I just get myself into?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't know why I had said yes to Miley's dinner offer, it was a stupid mistake on my half. But, here I was standing on Miley's doorstep, nearly dying of heat from the long-sleeve shirt I was wearing with baggy sweats in an attempt to hide my figure.

"HEY!" Miley said as she answered the door and greeted me with a hugged. I quickly wriggled out of her grip. I hated people touching me.

"Well come on in," she said as she held the door open for me.

"God, what am I saying you've been here like million times before, It's just been a while," She said walking into the living room.

"Yup..." I sighed not really wanting to start a conversation.

"Well my dad is just finishing making you're favorite, Barbecued chicken pizza," She said walking over to her dad who was standing by the oven in the kitchen. Oh great. I've just enter Calorie hell.

"great," I said, faking a smile. Mr. Stewart glanced at me a few times but never did say anything. Once the pizza was ready we all sat down at the kitchen table. Jackson was there too. Dinner was rather awkward. It consisted of only Miley talking and the occasional _"okay bud," _from Mr.Stewart. I kept on getting weird vibes from Mr. Stewart and Jackson. Not the vibes I normally get the , _"We're staring at your fat" _vibes but more like _"we know something" _vibes. I tried to ignore the feeling as I scarfed down my two slices of pizza.

"So Jackson, how have you been?" I asked in an attempt to break the awkwardness. Jackson glanced up but didn't reply.

"Jackson?" I asked again as I took another bite of my pizza. He didn't even glance up at me, all he did was mess with a piece of chicken that sat on his plate. I glanced over at Robby Ray who was wiping his mouth with a napkin.

"Miles why don't you go up and finish your homework?" He said as he set down his paper napkin on his plate.

"But Dad, Lily's..." she started but Mr. Stewart cut her off.

"Miles," he said sternly. Miley gave her dad a confused look but then nodded and left the room. Once she was out of sight I stood from my seat and began to walk away form the table.

"Well, since Miley's gone I should probably be go..." Mr. Stewart cut me off.

"Lily sit down," he said sternly as he too stood from the table.

"Okay..." I said awkwardly as I walked back over to the table. Jackson didn't look up at me. He was still staring at that one piece of Chicken on his plate. Mr. Stewart didn't say anything for a few seconds as he leaned on both his hands that were resting on the back of a chair. He looked down at the ground and shook his head a few times before looking up at me.

"Lily,why are you doing this to yourself?" he said in that 'concerned parent' tone of voice.

"Doing what?" I said, letting out a nervous giggle.

"I think you know damn well what I'm talking about," He said looking at me. I stayed silent unsure about what to say. I looked over at Jackson who almost looked like he was crying. Oh shit.

"Jackson told me..." Mr. Stewart started but there was no way I was letting him finish that sentence I already knew what he was going to say.

"Oh my God," I said as I laughed nervously and put my head in my hands.

"Lily you need to get help," Mr. Stewart said as he slid into the chair next to me and attempted to place a hand on my back. But, I immediately shook it off.

"Look, you're not my father," I told him as I pulled away from his touch.

"I know I'm not but I could be the only person who can stop you from killing yourself!" He said, his voice now getting a bit louder. I rolled my eyes. Like father like son.

"Okay, I know that all skinny people must think that big old Lily Truscott is going to kill herself but..." I didn't get to finish the sentence.

"But what?" Mr. Stewart said, "Eventually what you're doing to yourself will kill you and there is no doubt in my mind about that..."

"No it won't, God, none of you people will ever understand will you?" I said.

"of us people?" Mr. Stewart said sternly.

"Never mind," I said, rolling my eyes.

"No please Lily, I would like to know who we are," He said.

"You know, you skinny people, the ones that don't have fat rolls hanging over you're jeans, you guys that aren't walking around with size 12 jeans and who think every single girl who would die to be thin is some mental case who will kill herself," I said. Why the hell am I still sitting here? The door is right there. I can make a run for it. But I didn't. I stayed glued to my seat. Something held me there.

"Dammit Lily, your ninety-eight pounds, you don't have fat rolls you don't even have fat you're a walking skeleton," Jackson yelled, still not looking up from that once piece of chicken. Okay, maybe what he said about me dying and all that shit had some truth in it but this was a flat out fucking lie. I knew damn well that I was not skinny.

I was silent. I didn't know what to say.

What if everything they were saying was true? What if I really was killing myself? What if I do need help?

"Lily you are beautiful the way you are, you don't need a scale to tell you that you are beautiful," Everyone kept on saying that I was fine the way I am, and, I'm starting to believe it.

**A/N: hmm... now for some reason I'm craving BBQ chicken pizza... (yumm)**

**Anywho... I know another pretty bad update but I'm trying. Sorry it took so long, I'm staying in VA with my dad for a few weeks for a family reunion (fun stuff) But anyways this weekend I was pretty busy with seeing old friends and stuff like that so that's why, but now that I'm settled in I should update pretty soon.**

**And I would like to give a special thanks to "Wish I was With Travis" for this chapter and even though I didn't exactly use her scene, it inspired me and I did steal a few of her lines ; )**

**Thanks for reading and please review! They are greatly appreciated!**

**Next Chapter: Has Lily changed? Or has this whole experience made her worse?**


	8. I think I'm hungry, but I can't eat

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana**

It was seven in the morning and I had been up since four. I hadn't sat down since I had woken up. I was pacing my room in hopes to burn some calories before I was forced to go to school. If you stand, you burn sixty more calories an hour than you would if you were sitting. The more I walked, the more calories I burned, the more calories I burned, the more weight I lost. I hadn't thrown up since I had talked to Jackson and Robby Ray, but then again. I hadn't eaten anything since then either.

I had draped a blanket over the mirror to avoid my reflection. I knew that if I saw it I would just be disappointed in who was looking back at me.

What the fuck had I been thinking? Jackson and Robby Ray's _"we care so much about you" _speech was all bull shit. I mean Robby Ray has his own daughter to be daddy too. But Miley's perfect so he doesn't have to "daddy" her about anything. I was a fucking fat ass bitch who deserves to die. I hate my life. I hate my god damn life.

As I paced the room I glanced down at the scale that sat in beside my bathroom door. I knew I would have to face it eventually. My life revolved around that fucking scale. That god damn thing ruined my life. I hated it. But it controlled me. It had a power over me that I couldn't help. It was hell, but it was my life.

My paces slowed down as I stood in front of the scale. Should I get on now? Face the fact that I had probably gained ten pounds? Or let my thoughts go wild and try to pretend I didn't care.

"Fuck it," I mumbled to myself as I placed both feet on the scale. As the red numbers rolled by my eyes I stared up at the ceiling. I was too scared to look down. What if I was back to triple digits? What if I was back to my original weight before any of this shit started? I chewed my bottom lip as I began to move my eyes downwards to the numbers that sat on the screen. The red numbers read 90 pounds. I took a sigh of relief. I hadn't gained weight, thank God. Now I just needed to get to eighty five pounds, my goal weight. Then all of this will be over. I wont be like this anymore, I'll be happy.

"Lily!" I heard my mom call. I quickly stepped off the scale and walked over to my door where I peeled it open a crack to yell back.

"What?" I called back.

"Miley's here!" My mom called.

"Alright," I said as I closed the door. Great. Here we go again. Another day of walking through the hallways feeling stares down my back. Another day of Miley insulting me, another day of me being fat.

I quickly pulled on an oversized long sleeve shirt and a pair of baggy sweat pants. I grabbed my backpack off the foot of my bed, and headed down stairs. As I headed for the door I tried to ignore my mom who was standing over a plate of pancakes that were sitting on the table.

"Lils, do you want to invite Miley in for breakfast, I mean you girls are pretty early," I knew my mom had noticed I hadn't been eating, she had just been to stupid not to put two and two together.

"No," I said trying avert my gaze from the delicious stack of blueberry pancakes.

"Hun, you didn't even have dinner last night, please can you at least grab something and eat it on the way?" My mom pleaded. I rolled my eyes and walked into the kitchen. I reached for the cabinet and pulled out a box of granola bars and took one for myself. I held it up for my mom to see and gave her a sarcastic smile.

"Now, please make sure you eat something for lunch, Do you have enough money?" My mom asked anxiously. I rolled my eyes and gave her a consoling smile.

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Alright. love you," She said, I didn't reply as I stormed out the front door, literally slamming it in my mom's face. Once outside, I walked over to Miley's car and through my stuff in the back seat and then proceeded to sit down in the front.

"Hey Lils," she said sweeter than usual. I didn't say anything back to her. I just gave her another fake ass smile before she started to pull out of my driveway.

We weren't even halfway down my street when she started talking. Damn, did this girl ever shut up?

"So, what exactly happened on Friday night after I had left the room?" She asked. Oh shit. Here we go again.

"Nothing happened," I said shrugging my shoulder.

"Well something must have happened, my dad does not tell me to leave the room for no reason," She said as she glanced over at me for a quick second.

"Miley nothing happened, I left, end of story," I said trying to avoid this entire conversation.

"I heard yelling!" Miley blurted out.

"Well then Jackson and you dad must have gotten into a fight, it had nothing to do with me," I said as I sank into my seat. I didn't want to be here I wished that I could just be invisible.

"Jackson was crying!" I froze. Jackson was crying? Over me?

"He what?" I said, suddenly changing my previous tone of voice.

"He was crying, I mean really crying," She said assuming that I wanted her to tell me every detail.

"Oh," I said as I tried to calm down a bit. I mean so he was crying... big whoop.

"I know, I mean I haven't seen that boy cry that hard since my mom died," she said. I tried to pretend like I didn't care. I painted on that "_I don't give a fuck" _face, but in reality, I was hanging on every word she said. I couldn't believe maybe he really did care I mean after all he was crying... God, what am I saying? He doesn't and will never give a damn about me. Right?

Once we pulled into the school parking lot I hurried into the crowded hallways in an attempt to lose Miley. I couldn't stand to hear her talk anymore. Her half southern accent was starting to deafen me. Once I reached my locked I began to unload all my books into my cramped locker. But, as I reach for my Math text book I noticed something fall from my backpack to the ground. I reached down to pick it up and saw that it was the granola bar that I had stuffed into my bag in an attempt to please my mother this morning. God, it looked so good. And I was so hungry. I hadn't eaten but a bagel in three fucking days. But I couldn't I needed to get to eighty five pounds. Only five pounds to go. I could do this. I quickly stuffed the granola bar back into my bag and headed off to class.

Once first period had let out I thought I was going to die from hunger. But I couldn't eat, under no circumstances could I stuff anymore pieces of food into this already fat body. I needed to be skinny, and I sure as hell wasn't going to reach my goal by stuffing my face with more food. I headed off to second period trying to ignore my rumbling stomach.

As Mr. Harrison rambled on and on about civic science and all that shit I could feel my stomach begging me to feed him. And I knew that granola bar was in my bag. God, I never thought the combination of oats and honey would ever sound this good to me. I moved uncomfortably in my seat which caused Miley to glance over at me. I tried to ignore her stare as I attempted to concentrate on whatever the hell Mr. Harrison was talking about. But it didn't work. My stomach roared again. Dammit, I couldn't take this shit anymore. When Mr. Harrison had his back turned I quickly reached into my bag and got the granola bar. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm gonna be regretting this when I step on that scale and it says 100... but fuck it. I need food. I quickly pulled the wrapper off which caused a few heads to turn but I ignored them as I stuffed the puny bar into my mouth in two bites. As soon as I felt that thing start heading down my throat I immediately regretted it. What the fuck had I done? Dammit, you fat ass. I just screwed up big time. I needed to get rid of this, I couldn't let it sit in my stomach adding more pounds to my ass every second. Before I knew what i was doing I felt my hand shoot up in the air. I could feel the stares on me. Everyone must think I'm crazy. When Mr. Harrison finally turned around he called on me.

"Yes Ms. Truscott?" He said politely.

"May I go to the bathroom please?" I asked. He shrugged and then pointed to the hall pass hung by the door.

"Go ahead," he said as I turned back to the board. I grabbed my bag that sat beside my desk and then left the room. Dammit, why did I have to eat that fucking granola bar. I was such a retard. When I finally reached the bathroom I made sure no one was in the other stalls before I threw my bag down by one of the sinks and walked into one of the stalls. I knelt down on the floor. And since I didn't have a spoon as I normally did I used my middle finger. I shoved it down my throat as far as it could possibly go. I yanked my finger out of my mouth and waited for the food to come out. When it did I felt satisfied that I wasn't just letting myself get fatter. I was actually doing something to cover it. As I stuck my finger down my throat again I thought I heard the bathroom door open, but the sounds of my gagging covered the noise I thought I had heard. When I finally realized there was no more granola bar to throw up I rose from my knees and unlocked the bathroom stall. When I glanced up I jumped. Standing there in the bathroom was Miley.

"What the hell were you doing?" she said, wide eyed. Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT! What the fuck was I thinking. I knew I shouldn't have done it hear at school. I shouldn't had ever eaten that damn granola bar. shit. I didn't reply to Miley question. I did the only thing I could've done at that moment. I ran. I ran out of the bathroom, and out of the school. Even when I was off campus I continued running. I finally stopped when I had reached the beach. not knowing where else to go I went to a spot that Miley, Oliver and I used to go. It used to be my favorite spot. You had a perfect view of the sunset and sometimes a few really hot surfer guys would walk by. It was the perfect spot. God, I missed those days. the days when nothing about my appearance bothered me. Those days when that fucking scale didn't rule every aspect of my god damn life.

When I reached the spot on the beach I took a seat on the hot sand. I pulled my knees up to my chest. I wanted to go back in time to when I was in Jr. High and Miley, Oliver and I were best friends. Where nothing in the world mattered except boys and shopping. I wanted to go back to the time where I would eat without feeling guilty. I wanted to be normal. At that moment I didn't give a damn about being perfect. I didn't care about a size 0. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it used to be. I missed my friends. I missed my old life. I missed the old me.

"Lily?" I heard someone say, causing me to be pulled out of my thoughts. I turned my head and saw Jackson standing behind me. He was wearing his uniform from Rico's and was holding a hot dog in his right hand and a back pack in his left. I gave him a weak smile. Unable to form any words at that point.

"You okay?" He asked as he walked over towards me. I stayed silent and shook my head. I could feel a few tears begin to roll out of my eyes. I pulled my hand to my eyes and wiped them away with the sleeve of my shirt. Jackson didn't say anything as he walked over towards me and then took a seat next to me on the sand. I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted him to go away. I didn't need another fight with him. We both stayed silent for a few minutes before I finally spoke.

"Jackson, what's wrong with me?" The words had rolled off my tongue. I had said it quietly. So quiet I was surprised when he replied.

"Nothing is wrong with you," he said not looking up at me.

"No," I said as the streams of tears became longer and faster, " Jackson something has to be wrong with me, why can't I stop this, I mean, I don't want to be like this," Jackson looked at me and then blinked away again.

"Lily, you need to get help..." he said. Oh great, here we go again. The _"help" _shit. I don't need help. When will he realize that? I can stop myself. I can quit on my own.

"No!" I yelled as I threw my hand down onto the sand trying to release the anger I was feeling.

"I don't need help I can stop on my own!" I yelled through my sobs.

"No you ca-" I cut him off.

"Stop! Just stop! You don't care about me, you're just trying to do the right thing!" I yelled at him. I was starting to lose it. I needed to run away from him but once again, something kept me from leaving. Something in the way he looked at me told me maybe he really did truly care.

"That's not true," he said his voice raising a bit.

"Well if you cared about me then why did you tell your dad?" I said angrily.

"Because I don't know what to do Lily, I thought maybe he could help you before-" I cut him off once again.

"...before I kill myself I know," I said rolling my eyes.

"But why would it matter anyways, I mean if I die, big deal, who's gonna care anyways?" I said trying to dry my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

"I would care Lily!" Jackson said.

"That's bullshit," I said as I rolled my eyes and looked away from him.

"Lily, no it's not!" he said defensively.

"Oh yea? Well then prove it Jackson, prove that you're not just some fake-" But I never got to finish my sentence because to my surprise my words were silenced when Jackson cover my lips with his own.

**A/N: So sorry for the long update, I had lost the chord to my laptop and have been using my dads and I haven't been able to work on any of my stories or check my email because my email doesn't work on my dad's internet browser. But anyways, I thought about ending it when Miley walked in but I thought, what the hell. And decided to end it this way instead. I'm sorry that if it sucked! I'm trying, lol.**

**Well, anyways please review! (I'm half way to 100! yea) hehe.**

**Thanks for reading!**


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